Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The great revelation

To you:

I am probably the last person you want to hear from right now, but I think I owe you big time for the revelations in my life. From one girl to another I know I was being a total bitch about the situation of the man that we both love. Listen, I guess I felt some kind of entitlement to him because of the things I have given up for him and I didn’t think as far as to questions those that YOU have given up for him.

I am great believer in God and I know that I failed him and his ways in handling this situation. Because of confusion I resented you for the same thing that you had been a victim of and I am sorry for that. You see, the truth is that, just like you, I didn’t know better. I thought that all people in the world mean well and they want to please other people and the thing is that that is not the case. It is a pity that I learned that very late in this dilemma.

Sisi, I have said this before and I am going to say it again, I have no issues with you and I think you are a beautiful black sister who deserves to be happy. Am I saying all of this because I realise that things are not working out in what I thought would be MY relationship? Yes! But the beauty in all of this is that it took me myself to realise it. It took a moment of happiness, a moment that no one expected would be a turning point.

I am so sorry for using you to get my way. I am sorry for the tears I know you cried every night because the man that you love turned out to be one who deceived you. For what it’s worth, I would have died for Siyabonga. In fact, I died for him so that makes me the loser because maybe you still kept yourself to be with him before, during and even after that incident. But I, on the other hand died many deaths to be with him.

One I think you should know of is the one about the mist of misery thinking of you and him in everything that we did. Life stopped being about what I wanted and what he wanted but merely revolved around what I knew had been and the question of whether it would proceed or not. Mpho, that was not easy. I altered myself trying to establish what it is that YOU did that I couldn’t or didn’t do and it turned out to be everything.

You probably think that I am patronising you. You are allowed to think that because of the stunts I pulled on you. That was not me, that was my fatal affection for Siyabonga. I don’t know what ended up happening with you guys and it doesn’t really matter because to me this has been a journey of heartache and devastation. If you are still with him and there are days where you think of me, first of all I would like to say that it is normal and secondly I would like to say that you need not worry about me because I have started a journey back to where I am supposed to be, where I belong.

Once again you were for me a step to direct myself to what I should have done a long time ago. I guess I was selfish in thinking that I could change Siyabonga. Who am I to try and change a grown man into what I think is good for him? Anyway I am not trying to get you to listen to my grievances I am trying to take this opportunity to apologise for not viewing you in the light I was meant to view you in, a fellow sister and a victim of the same struggle. I know you love Siyabonga, its hard not to. He has the charisma that we all know and love but please leave some room for disappointment. I am not saying he is going to hurt you but if he does you were privileged enough to have had someone to warn you. I am sure he loves you, but I cannot account for how and for how long it’s going to last. This has been the deepest discovery of how the world we live in can be and you have been part of it, thank you for that and thank you for all the things that you taught Siyabonga that I know he brought into the relationship. There are things I am sure you can account for in some of his behaviours and I am eternally grateful for that.

But most of all thank you for your time and for all your tolerance towards me. I know I haven’t been the best of people you have met but like I said, it was all in the name of love and if it’s any consolation I promise never to do that to another sister ever again. Good luck and God bless you. I would be really happy if you would reply, I mean I am sure you have things you would like to share with me. If not, that is also ok, after all I am the one who died and trying to resurrect and redeem myself.

With Love

From me

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